Almost one year....

So next Thursday makes one year since my husband Thad passed away. Really not looking forward to that day. I have a friend in a local theater production of "Lost in Yonkers" and they have a performance that night so I may go to that. Or I may go to the matinee on Sunday instead. All I know for sure, is that one day next week, I am going to visit Thad's grave.

On to happier news: Vacation. I really don't go on a true vacation - or at least haven't in many years. I will take days off work and might make a small trip for a weekend or something, but at the end of the month I am going on my first real vacation for...oh, I can't remember how long. Where am I going? Hawaii! For a week. Never been there and I am both excited and scared at the same time. It should be an adventure - hopefully of the good kind.

An End and a Return

Thad passed away on Wednesday September 24. I was there when he took his last breaths, He died here at home where he wanted to be when the time came. His offical time of death was 7:22 PM, but he actually died about 45 minutes earlier. When he died, I had to call Hospice who then had to call the nurse on duty who then had to call me back and ask some questions. Once that was done, she had to change clothes and gather all her needed equipment (computer, paperwork, ect) and then drive the 25 minute trip into town and to my house. She was great once she got here and very sympathic.

Several of our friends came over once they heard about his passing. We sat around before the nurse got here and while she was here telling stories of Thad and laughing. Lynn (the nurse) was having a hard time not falling out of the chair laughing as she filled out the paperwork and listened to our stories. And, we told her, the stories were the 'toned-down' versions of our adventures. And we weren't kidding about that.

We had a visitation on Sunday Sep 28 (which was also my late mother's birthday) and his funeral on Monday Sep 29. Thad was buried in a cemetery 139 miles from where we live, so it was an all day event. A group of us went to Green Pond (the cemetery) and followed that by having a late lunch in a small restaurant in a local town - and by local I mean roughly about 20 miles from the cemetery. But the food at this place (Did I mention it was the back of a gas station?) was low priced, large portions and really good.

I've been spending the time since trying to begin the process of going through things. Not easy when Thad never went through his parents' things when they died. So now I'm going through things that belonged to Thad, his dad and his mom. And a few things that were his grandmother's as well. In a few days, I go back to work. Back to my third shift and days off. I'm not sure what that willbe like. Part of me wants to stay off work for more time, part of me wishes I had been back a long time ago.

One day at a time in every aspect of my life right now.

Thad's end may be near

Well, it was going to happen. My dear husband (and best friend) has started that downward slide. He was improving, going far beyond the one week they had said he had left to live when they released him from the hospital in June. Now, he is going down.

He can no longer walk or even get himself into a standing position. As a result, we've had a hospital bed brought in. This lets he can relax and get some very much needed sleep. Also, since he can't get up, he has to wear adult diapers and I have to change him. It isn't hard to change diapers on a baby or toddler. But try to do it to a 54 year old man.

He has more problems with confusion and is eating and drinking less all the time. A very common thing when the body starts shutting down. It's hard to tell how much time he has left. Maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months - although weeks seems more like what it will be. For now, we take one day at a time.

Changes in Thad' s Condition

After two months of improving, it appears that Thad is now getting worse. He spent a weekend of not sleeping, becoming very child-like and stressing me out greatly. Turns out that he had two things wrong:

1) An infecton in his kidneys. Not uncommon given that he wears a cathater. In fact, that he hasn't had one before is a bit of a surprise. A few days of antibioltics cleared that up nicely.

2) Very high levels of ammonia in his blood. This was getting into his brain and causing the confusion, forgetfulness nad child-like behavior. What does this mean? Well, some oof it could be from the infection. But when you add in the sleeplessness - it means his liver is getting worse.

We were warned some time ago, that as he neared the end, this could happen. He is now taking a liquid which is helping to remove the ammonia. It is helping, but will only work for a relatively brief time. Eventually, the ammonia will be too much and he will go into a coma. Then he will die. How long do we have? I don't know. We just go one day at a tim.

Happy Bithday Thad!

We hadn't thought that this would be celebrated this year. But tomorrow (August 7) is Thad's birthday. He'll be 54. He is still going strong, still improving somewhat. He can now walk around unaided, get out of most chairs and the sofa by himself and the otr day made it down the front steps of the house without someone supporting him.

These are big improvements, but his test levels don't appear to be changing - at least we haven't been told that they are. So his liver is still failing, but maybe it has stalled (I hope) Whatever is happening, we are still taking one day at a time.

Thad continues to remain with us

Just putting in a brief post. My dear husband (long time boyfriend) Thad continues to be here, even though the doctors had orginally given him only a week to live - over a month ago. We have had our one month anniversary (we married on June 12)

It seems a bit strange to be counting your anniversary in weeks and months rather than years, but considering that we had originally planned to count our time together in hours and days, I will definately take the weeks and months. Can we reach counting it in years? By every account - no. Thad has onlya short ime left, that is certain. What isn't certain is exactly how long. When he first was in the hospital, they thought maybe four months. Then if became maybe a week. Now he is beyond that prediction.

I am not working right now. I am on family leave to help care for Thad. No one else can be with him overnight and that is when I work (10PM - 8AM) I am off for three months, which puts my return to work date as mid-September. As things stand now, Thad may well still be here then. If he is, and ifI still need to be home with him, we'll see if I can change my work schedule to during the days and maybe part time. Not sure right now and I will deal with that when the time comes.

Updates and Changes

My friends whose baby had the cancer of the liver unfortuntely lost that baby a few weeks ago. Everything was tried, but nothing helped. The cancer was just too much. They are working thru their grief and looking at future children. Both their own biological children and adoption. Their son, even though he is gone now, touched so many people. His father is currently workng on writing a book about the whole experience. I think I'll be one of the first to get it when he gets it out. I'm sure I'll laugh and cry all over again.

If you've been to my blog space before, you know I have always been Becky S. Now I'm Becky L. My long time boyfriend and I finally got married. And did so in a very short amount of time. The reason for the quick marriage: he's dying. His liver is failing and we don't know how much time he has left. At one time the doctors thought he had about a week. But that was three weeks ago. He is still here, so we take each day as it comes. For now, just having the time together is all that matters.